Farming Incidents
by voiretsavoir
Summary: As lucky and perfect as she was believed to be by others, Hermione Granger had one really big issue: stairs.


**Prompt #:** 9 - _"_ _Moving staircase causes small accident; Squicks: None"_  
 **Fic Word Count:** 1,141  
 **Rating:** T (PG-13)  
 **Warnings (if any):** profanities  
 **Summary:** As lucky and perfect as she was believed to be by others, Hermione Granger had one _really_ big issue: stairs.  
 **Author's Notes:** I just want to thank "R" for being my beta. Enjoy!  
 **Disclaimer:** "Harry Potter" is the property of J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. This work of fiction/art was created entirely for fun, not for profit, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Entry for Dramione Love Mini Fest 2016

* * *

As lucky as she was believed to be by others, Hermione Granger had one _really_ big issue: stairs.

It didn't matter how big, small, long, short, narrow, or broad the staircase was, the odds that she would fall down it were extremely high. She called these little spills 'farming incidents'—because when she fell down, she always performed a spectacular face plant.

In Hogwarts, most often a 'farming incident' would happen right after her Defence Against the Dark Arts class, most likely while she was walking up the Grand Staircase, heading for her dormitory. At first, Harry and Ron would ask her, _'_ _Why are you always stumbling?'_ By second year, they'd rephrased it to, _'_ _Why are you so clumsy?'_ In third year, it simply became, _'_ _Are you kidding me?'_ and, _'_ _Seriously, again?'_

These small accidents started to get suspicious, though, during her fourth year, when she'd grown into her oversized feet and had no more excuses for such ungainliness. For four years she'd been able to just brush off such inelegance knowing how uncoordinated her feet could get sometimes, but earlier that day, when her two best friends simply gave her a _look_ instead of making a comment after a pretty bad fall, bells began ringing in her head that something was amiss.

Something more was going on.

 **~.X.X.X.X.X.X.~**

 **Fifth Year**

Hermione stared— _glared_ —at the concrete staircase in front of her, as if waiting for it to turn into something hideous.

Finally, she took a cautious step forward, placing one foot on each step, one after another. She was half-way up the staircase, and it was all going well…until she promptly face-planted for no apparent reason.

Embarrassed, Hermione slammed her books down onto the steps next to her. "SERIOUSLY?! WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG?"

"Nice knickers, Granger!"

Hermione stopped and stared, wide-eyed as Draco Malfoy casually walking by her on the stairs. He had a book in his hand and his satchel slung over his right shoulder. A horrid smirk decorated his handsome face.

Hermione scrambled to get up off her knees, tripping once before managing to pull herself together. Her cheeks were hot and flushed as she glared again at the offending stair. Then, giving it a hard stomp in retribution, she stalked off, nose in the air.

She tried walking confidently passed Malfoy. Her dignity was a bit bruised, sure, but she refused to show it, especially to him.

 _That snake_ , she fumed. He'd seen her knickers!

Luckily, she'd decided upon the red satin today. They were her sexiest pair.

 **~.X.X.X.X.X.X.~**

 **Sixth Year**

Hermione, as usual, has tons of work to do, being a Prefect and all. She loves being one; she likes the authority and the power. However, doing reports about hormonal teenagers wasn't a chore she enjoyed at all.

She was walking the hallways on Prefect patrol that night when she passed by the Grand Staircase. Giving it a sideways glance, and seeing no activity on it, she turned back to reading the report in her hand. It was an incident report regarding Romilda Vane and Draco Malfoy getting caught up to no good in an empty stairwell the night before by one of her fellow Prefects. She snorted in cynical amusement, and was about to file it away in her satchel on her hip when an idea suddenly popped into her head.

She walked back towards the Grand Staircase again, and then stopped and looked it up and down.

"My old enemy," she greeted it. "I'll best you this time!"

She climbed the stairs one step at a time. Up, up, up she went.

She'd almost reached the top step when down, down, down she fell.

"Holy sh–!"

She'd performed a spectacular face-plant…again.

Wishing for the ground to swallow her up, she stayed there for a bit, showered in shame and surrounded by the pages of the report she hadn't tucked away before trying out her little experiment with the stairs. She could already tell that she had scraped her knees a good bit.

As she moved to finally get up, she let out a groan of pain. No one was around to help her, but that also meant no one was around to witness her humiliation.

Or so she thought.

She heard what sounded like laughter coming from below. When she glanced that way, out of her peripheral vision, she caught the unmistakable flash of platinum-blond hair.

 _ **Draco Malfoy.**_

Once again, he just _happened_ to be casually passing by when she'd gone down.

She threw a suspicious glare at him as she dusted off her hurt knees.

She picked herself _and_ her pride up off the stairs and decided to call the night's patrol over, going back to her dorm. Fortunately, she'd only sustained some minor injury for her attempt to beat the stair conundrum. It was more her ego that had taken the bruising this time.

 **~.X.X.X.X.X.X.~**

 **Seventh Year**

"Granger."

"Malfoy."

"What are you doing?"

"What?"

"Granger, your hand is on me."

"Oh…well I—uh—can't let go."

"I know I'm enticing and magnetic and all that, but really."

"I might fall down."

"Right. Your 'farming incidents'."

"Wha‒? How do you know that phrase!"

"I've heard you say it. And don't forget: I was a witness that one time when you flashed your satin red knickers to the world. Nice, by the way. Hey, don't slap me or I'll push you down the stairs!"

"I'll drag you with me!"

"Will you just drop my arm? It's turning blue."

"Stop being a baby….it's just until we reach my dorm."

"I'm not walking you to your dorm, woman."

"To the top of the stairs, then."

"I think you just want to touch me _so_ bad, you're using this as an excuse."

"Or maybe your arms are just unnaturally long and it was easy for me to grab hold of them when‒ _What?_ "

"Oh, you like me Granger!"

"No, I don't."

"Right."

"Really, I don't like you. At all."

"Right."

" _And_ the stairs are moving again."

"Don't worry, Granger, I'll hold you tight, _really tight_. I'll never let go."

"Are you hitting on me, Malfoy?"

"No, and...oh why'd you let go?"

"We're here. At The Fat Lady's portrait…the entrance to the Gryffindor common room."

"Oh."

"You should go back."

"Right. Um, Granger?"

"What?"

"I might've cursed the stairs…uh, _you_ , rather...back in first year—and I don't know how to remove it."

"Oh."

"I should go back."

"Malfoy?"

"Granger?"

"You…You…YOU ARE AN IMBECILE!"

 **~.X.X.X.X.X.X.~**

Rumor says that, to date, Hermione Granger has never been able to walk a flight of stairs at Hogwarts without falling down at least once, performing one of her famous 'farming incidents'.

However, it appears she's not the only one afflicted with this bizarre curse, anymore. There's also a certain blond Slytherin now affected by the same bad streak of luck…


End file.
